No, not the nails, much worse...the cuticles.
I have a cuticle tinkering habit.
Now, if you don't know what cuticles are, you're about to find out! Your cuticles are the soft and supple skin tissue that immediately surround your fingernail. They're like a fancy frame God gave us for our nails! Go ahead, take a look at yours. Yours are pretty nice, aren't they? Cute little cuticles you have!
But mine, not so much.
I was thinking of posting a picture of them here for your viewing displeasure, but decided against it...you're welcome.
The history:
I began biting my nails sometime during my middle school years, a habit I picked up from my older sister (thanks Joy!). I would try stopping, but you know the drill...quit for a day or so, then back to the biting. It was a habit, a gross one.
Though, in my latter years of high school, while hanging out with a group of friends, one female friend of mine (whom I happened to have a crush on) noticed my dilapidated fingernails and shouted out a shriek of disgust. Well, that was the last fingernail-to-teeth day I had. The habit was basically dropped that very moment cold veggie-turkey.
Once I rediscovered the usefulness of longer than zero-centimeter fingernails, there was no going back. I could finally enjoy the use of scratch & sniff stickers, key chain rings and peeling my own oranges! But alas, thus began the slow but certain transition to my cuticles. You see, with usable nails came the temptation to tinker with and pick at my cuticles. I would pick at my innocent cuticles until they would spring forth hangnails, and thus my teeth became my fingers' best (worst?) friend again.
The harm:
It has turned into quite the psychological battle. Basically, I will subconsciously manipulate my neighboring cuticles with my fingernails. Then, when I notice all the hangnail variations, in come my teeth to try and fix the contrived problems. But here is the real problem: thinking I can fix the hangnails with my teeth or by tinkering with my nails...I just make the problem bigger and worse!
I go on these cuticle tinkering binges, then pretend I can fix the issue with my teeth...but rip goes the hangnail even deeper...shredded skin ensues, bleeding begins, scabs form... *gehhh*, no need for further visuals!
I know all I need to do is bring in the handy-dandy fingernail clipper to take care of those pesky self-contrived hangnails, leave them alone, stop trying to fix it my way, and let time do the healing. I keep trying to fix something that only an instrument outside of myself can, and so keep interrupting the natural healing process.
The analogy:
I fickle with my cuticles, create a problem that could have been avoided in the first place, then add exponentially to the problem by trying to fix it with my own resources.
This cuticle issue, I have been realizing, is a microcosm of some bigger problems I wrestle with.
There are things that, although broken by me, cannot be fixed by my meddling. Somethings that, although I wish could be restored today, need to be left alone well past tomorrow. There is a point where sincerity can become sin and our best intention, presumption. These things need God's nail-clippers to save the day and us to just get out the way.
The help:
The great denial of self and cross carrying that Jesus speaks of (Luke 9:23) has been demanding more and more attention in my life lately. I've been realizing that my own aspirations, as sincere as they may be, need to be constantly surrendered to Him. These are lessons I've known of, but still need to visit daily. My goal is growth, maturity, and a relational discipline that reflects the character of Jesus—agape love.
I praise God it's not our mistakes (or successes) that define us, but the direction of our lives, the Person we place our eyes on, the everyday realization of our sinfulness and His goodness which leads us to deeper repentance, a surrendering of the will, and a humbling of ourselves before our Creator.
I've got problems, but I thank God that if I surrender, He will do the fixing and place me back onto the path of maturity and growth. It's about time I surrender my tinkering tendencies, and trust Him with all my heart (Proverbs 3:5, 6).
"Our plans are not always God’s plans. He may see that it is best for us and for His cause to refuse our very best intentions, as He did in the case of David. But of one thing we may be assured, He will bless and use in the advancement of His cause those who sincerely devote themselves and all they have to His glory. If He sees it best not to grant their desires He will counterbalance the refusal by giving them tokens of His love and entrusting to them another service.
In His loving care and interest for us, often He who understands us better than we understand ourselves refuses to permit us selfishly to seek the gratification of our own ambition. He does not permit us to pass by the homely but sacred duties that lie next us. Often these duties afford the very training essential to prepare us for a higher work. Often our plans fail that God’s plans for us may succeed.
We are never called upon to make a real sacrifice for God. Many things He asks us to yield to Him, but in doing this we are but giving up that which hinders us in the heavenward way. Even when called upon to surrender those things which
in themselves are good, we may be sure that God is thus working out for us some higher good.
In the future life the mysteries that here have annoyed and disappointed us will be made plain. We shall see that our seemingly unanswered prayers and disappointed hopes have been among our greatest blessings.
We are to look upon every duty, however humble, as sacred because it is a part of God’s service. Our daily prayer should be, 'Lord, help me to do my best. Teach me how to do better work. Give me energy and cheerfulness. Help me to bring into my service the loving ministry of the Saviour.'"
—The Ministry of Healing p. 473-474
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